


Five Fears

by thatwriterlady



Series: 30 Day Writing Challenge 2015 [19]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 30 day writing challenge, Castiel gets bad news, Castiel's parents suck, Continuation of The Matchmaker, Dean Proposes, Dean is moral support for Castiel, Dying relative, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Fear, Fear of Death, Fear of Flying, Fear of Losing Someone You Love, Fear of Rejection, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Love, M/M, Not someone from the show, fear of the dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-03 00:50:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5270357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatwriterlady/pseuds/thatwriterlady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean finally proposes to Cas, but a beloved family member falls ill and Cas must go to be with them.  Dean comes with, all the way to Russia.  He'd do anything for the man he loves, even fly.  </p><p>They face some of their worst fears, and Cas realizes a brand new one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Fears

**Author's Note:**

> So I was looking for 5 fears that I could put in this fic that would somehow apply to Cas and Dean. I floundered after number 3. My younger daughter suggested number 4, and I chose number 5 as I experienced something similar after my own grandmother died. It's weird how it takes a death to suddenly make you painfully aware of your own mortality. I do hope you enjoy this fic. It is sort of a continuation of The Matchmaker, which I seriously need to go back and clean up (I didn't have a Beta back then), break up some paragraphs, clean up punctuations, etc. In the meantime I hope you enjoy this one.

**Fear One: Rejection**

Sam was sitting in the diner waiting for his brother to show up. This was their bi-monthly dinner and he’d been looking forward to it all day. He didn’t get to see Dean nearly as much as he wanted to, they both led busy lives, so any chance he got to decompress and chill with his brother, he jumped at it. When Dean came walking in Sam smiled wide and waved. Dean’s own grin was huge as he walked over, pausing to hug his brother.

“Hey, how’s things with Jess and the girls?” He asked as he sat down.

“Everything at home is great. Lexi just joined band and Maddie earned her orange belt in karate, but I’m sure you’ll hear all about that this weekend.” Sam chuckled. 

“I can’t wait. She’s been showing me her moves. She’s pretty good. Lexi and that clarinet though. I think my ears bled last month. That was torture. I took them to the zoo and the park just so she’d be forced to leave that thing at the house.” Dean grimaced. He loved his niece but not her newfound passion.

“Dean!”

Dean looked up to see Cas hurrying out of the kitchen. He stood up and a moment later his boyfriend was wrapped in his arms.

“Mmm, how are you? I missed you.” The man murmured as he buried his face in Dean’s shoulder.

“Honey, you just saw me this morning.” Dean chuckled, but he hugged the man closer as he placed a kiss to his temple. When Cas stepped back he placed his hands on his hips and smiled.

“Are you hungry?”

“Starving.” Dean looked at Sam who nodded.

“Yeah, me too.”

“Do you want the usual?” Cas asked. Both men nodded and he left to put in their orders.

“So all is good with you and Cas?” Sam asked once the man was out of earshot.

“Yeah, we’re great.” Dean replied. Sam looked over at where Cas was standing at the other end of the counter talking with another customer. He leaned closer to Dean.

“Do you think he’s the one? You guys have been together what, three years now?”

“Four as of next week. And yeah, he’s definitely it for me. We’ve been doing a lot of talking lately, and I’ve been doing some thinking, but none of that I will discuss when he can walk up at any second and hear me, so how about when we’re done eating we pop over to Ellen’s for a beer? I’ll just tell Cas to meet us there. That’ll give us maybe a half hour. Sound good?” Dean looked over to see Cas heading back towards them. 

“Sounds good.” Sam agreed.

“Do you want some pie?” Cas asked.

“No, sweetheart, I had a piece of the peach that you made last night for breakfast.” Dean replied. Sam politely declined.

“I’ll let you guys talk. I have some papers to go over.” Cas smiled before heading back into the kitchen. Dean stuck to his word and didn’t discuss anything about him and Cas that didn’t directly have to do with Sam’s family or the upcoming holidays. 

When they’d finished dinner Dean went into the back to find Cas and tell him where to meet them. 

“You ready?” He asked as he rejoined his brother.

“Yep. I could use a beer.” Sam said. “It’s been a long week.”

“Then let’s go.” Dean said, leading the way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a short drive to Ellen’s and Dean rode with Sam so Cas could drive the Impala later to meet them. They made their way inside, heading to a booth in the corner where they would see Cas when he arrived.

“So something big must be about to happen if you wanted to come here and talk in private.” Sam said once they’d ordered their beers and had the drinks sitting in front of them.

“I’m going to ask Cas to marry me.” Dean blurted out. Sam smiled wide, reaching across the table to pat his brother on the shoulder.

“That’s what I thought you were going to say. I’m happy for you. He loves you more than anything. He’ll have Jess and Charlie on the phone five minutes after that ring is on his finger talking wedding plans. Let me guess, Lexi and Maddie are the flower girls?”

Dean grinned and shrugged. “You know, beyond the asking part? It’s whatever he wants. I’ll give him the moon and stars if that’s what he asks. Don’t forget he has a three year old niece too. He might want her to be the flower girl, but I’m not thinking that far ahead yet. I want a solid yes from him before I start talking wedding plans.”

“What, you’re afraid he’ll say no?” Sam asked. The look in his brother’s eyes told him as much. “Dude, he loves you. I’ve never seen two people more in love. You kind of put me and Jess to shame. You’re a hard act to follow, and we got the head start!” 

Dean twisted the bottle of beer back and forth nervously. “I love him, Sam. If he says no, I don’t know what I would do. I’m terrified of losing him.”

“You’re not going to lose him. Do you plan on having kids?” Sam was curious. If Cas was talking with Dean about kids, that meant Dean was his one and only too and he wasn’t going anywhere.

“Oh, yeah. Cas feels some imaginary biological clock ticking. He’s dying for us to have kids.” Dean laughed.

“See? That right there says that you are the love of his life. If he loves you enough to want to start a family with you, he’s not going to say no, ok?” Sam took a long swallow of his beer and looked around the bar. He spotted Cas as he walked in the door.

“Heads up, the future Mr. Winchester has arrived.”

Dean looked up, smiling and waving when he noticed Cas looking around for them. He spotted their table and started for it. 

“So the girls are still coming this weekend, right? I was teaching them how to make truffles last month and Lexi said she wanted to try making them again this weekend. She wants chocolate ones.” Cas said.

“Mmm, those sound good. Will you make some coconut ones too? The last time I brought those to the governor’s mansion his staff devoured them and I was told that I needed to bring more back the next time I went.” Dean’s carpentry business had been booming as of late and he’d actually hired on several assistants. His clientele now consisted of several politicians and a handful of celebrities, not to mention his own family and the local community.

“Of course.” Cas leaned into Dean’s side, resting his head on the man’s shoulder. He looked tired.

“Long day?” Sam asked.

“Yes, very. I’m glad the week is nearly over. I refuse to get up early Saturday.” Cas sighed.

“That’s ok, sweetheart. I’ll take the girls down to the beach or something so you can sleep in.” Dean kissed the top of Cas’ head and the man let out a contented sigh.

“I’ll have lunch ready then when you get back. But try not to be back before two.” Cas chuckled.

“Do you guys always plan this far ahead?” Sam asked.

“Only when we know we’ll have the girls. Cas isn’t a morning person to start with, so the weekends are his time to catch up on all of the sleep he misses all week. We don’t want to subject the girls to his bad mood if he’s woken before he’s ready, so I usually take them somewhere in the mornings so he can sleep in.” Dean explained.

“I can understand that. I sleep in when they’re gone.” Sam laughed. Cas took Dean’s beer and drank some. 

“Do you want one?” Dean asked him.

“No, not really.” Cas replied, handing the bottle back.

They spent another half hour talking about work and life in general before they decided to part ways for the night. Sam caught his brother’s eye on the way out and winked. Dean smiled and nodded. He would ask Cas soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soon turned out to be that weekend. The girls were running Dean ragged and Cas wasn’t faring much better, but they loved the time they got to spend with the kids. Cas had come to love the girls as though they were his own flesh and blood, and they loved him just as much. As he worked at the island with Lexi, rolling the truffles and setting them on the baking sheet, she started asking him questions.

“Uncle Cas, you love Uncle Dean, right?” She asked.

“Of course I do, more than anything in the world, why do you ask?” 

“Well, mom said when two people love each other like she loves daddy and like you love Uncle Dean, they get married. Do you really love Uncle Dean like that?” She looked up at him with large hazel eyes that reminded him very much of her father. She was Sam’s clone, right down to the intense looks of concern she always gave. He chose his words carefully since he knew things always got back to Sam and Jess one way or another.

“Yes, I do love your uncle like that. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and someday we wants children of our own. But we have not discussed marriage.” 

She rolled another truffle and set it on the sheet. He could tell by her furrowed brow that she was deep in thought.

“Uncle Cas?”

“Yes, Lexi?”

“Why don’t you ask him? If you love him, ask him. It doesn’t matter who asks who, right?”

He couldn’t argue with her logic. He was just terrified that Dean would say no. It was ridiculous, he knew Dean loved him, but at the back of his mind he still feared rejection.

“You’re right, it doesn’t matter who does the asking as long as both people are happy.” He finally said.

“What are you two talking about?” Dean asked as he walked into the room. Cas froze, staring at him with wide eyes, afraid of what Lexi might say.

“We were talking about love and how much you and Uncle Cas love each other. Like my mom and dad do.” Lexi said cheerfully. She smiled brightly up at her uncle and Dean smiled back.

“I’m crazy about your Uncle Cas here. Just like your dad is crazy about your mom.” He said, winking at Cas. It thrilled him that after all this time he could still make the man blush.

“So why don’t you ask him to marry you then? Cause he’s too scared to ask.” She jerked a thumb in Cas’ direction before rolling another ball. Both Dean and Cas were staring at her in wide eyed shock. Maddie walked in, hopping up onto the stool next to Dean.

“Mmm, those look yummy, can I have one when they’re done?” She asked.

“After Uncle Cas says so. He’s making some for the governor, for Uncle Dean to take to his house.” Lexi replied. Maddie looked up at Dean, frowning when she saw the expression on his face. Her gaze went to Cas who had the same odd look.

“What’s wrong with you guys?”

“N-nothing’s wrong.” Cas replied quickly. He wiped his hands on his apron and moved to the sink to wash them. Dean walked around the island, coming up behind Cas at the sink and wrapping his arms around his waist. He had pictured proposing in all sorts of romantic locations, on the beach at sunset, over dinner in some fancy restaurant, on a picnic, but it had suddenly occurred to him that right here, in this moment, there was no more perfect time or place than right here, right now.. He kissed the back of Cas’ neck, catching a glimpse of the smile on his boyfriend’s face as he glanced back at him.

“What was that for?” Cas asked.

“I need a reason?” Dean countered. Cas finished washing his hands and dried them before turning around. Dean still had him wrapped in his arms but he liked it. 

“Of course not.” He kissed Dean softly, ignoring the gagging Maddie was doing. 

“Well, that’s good, but this time I actually do have a reason.” Dean let Cas go and as he bent down on one knee he tapped Lexi’s shoulder so she would turn around. Both girls gasped right along with Cas when Dean reached into his back pocket and pulled out a ring.

“You know, I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now, but I couldn’t find the right time or place. It just now dawned on me that the only thing that would even make it special was because you were there. You are everything that is good in my life, babe. I love you Cas, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. In sickness and in health, all of that. Will you marry me?”

Cas could barely see it through his tears but he was nodding. “Yes! Yes I’ll marry you!” 

Dean stood up and took Cas’ hand, steading it as it was shaking terribly, and slipped the ring on it. The moment it was on his finger, Cas’ arms were around his neck, squeezing him tight.

“I love you Dean Winchester, so, so much!”

Dean hugged him back and soon they had two squealing girls joining in, and he reached down to hug them close. This was his family, and this was how he wanted to spend the rest of his life.

“I need to call mom and dad!” Lexi raced from the room while Maddie danced up and down with excitement.

“Are you going to have a wedding?” She asked.

“Ask Uncle Cas here what he wants. Anything he wants, he can have.” Dean told her. Cas’ smile was incredibly bright and he brought a hand to Dean’s cheek, cupping it gently.

“You’re the most wonderful man in the world, Dean.” He looked down at their niece. “Yes, we’re having a wedding. I’ll get back to you on the details though.”

She squealed and jumped up and down. Suddenly she stopped and looked up at him, her expression quite serious. “How do you do it? You’re not going to wear a dress, are you? What do men do when they marry other men?”

“We both wear suits. We’ll leave the pretty dresses up to you, your sister, your mom, my sister, and Charlie.” He replied.

“I get to wear a fancy dress?” She gasped.

“Well of course.” 

“What color?” 

Cas looked to Dean. He’d thought so often of what he wanted his wedding to be like, and even more so over the last year, once he’d realized he wanted Dean to be the one he married. He’d played their wedding out a million times in his head.

“How does purple sound? Light purple, like the lilacs your Uncle Dean planted out front.”

“I love purple! Can it touch my toes? I want a dress that touches my toes!” She cried.

Dean chuckled at that. “Of course. I’m sure you mom will help you pick out the perfect dress.” She practically shrieked with excitement, racing out of the room to go find her sister.

“So, any ideas of when you want to do this?” Dean asked as he pulled Cas against him. He didn’t care about the truffle batter on the apron.

“Next summer? I only intend to do this once, and I want it to be beautiful.” Cas slid his arms around Dean’s waist and leaned his head on the man’s shoulder. 

“That will work. We’ll work out the details later. Right now we’re going to have to alert our families and field a million questions. I guarantee our phones are going to start ringing in the next five minutes.” 

As if on cue, Dean’s phone started ringing. He snorted as he pulled it from his pocket, still keeping one arm around Cas. It didn’t surprise him to see that it was Sam calling.

“Hey, Sammy.” He greeted him.

“You did it? For real? Ring and all? Lexi’s not yanking her mom’s chain right now?”

“Nope, no chain yanking. I proposed, ring and all. And truffles.” Dean replied. Cas laughed silently at that.

“Awesome, congrats to you both. Better call mom before she hears it second hand and comes looking for you.” Sam said with a laugh. 

“She’s first on my list, trust me.” Dean said.

“Alright, I’ll talk to you guys later.” 

**Fear Two: Loss of a Loved One**

“Bye, Sammy.” Dean had barely hung up before Cas’ phone was ringing. He stepped back to answer it. Dean could hear him talking in Russian, so it was a relative. He’d picked up some words and now he could tell Cas was talking about cakes. The girls walked back in the room and Lexi immediately went back to rolling more truffles.

“Mom’s happy.” She announced.

“Mommy said I can get a dress that touches my toes.” Maddie added.

“Good. But it’s going to be a while before the wedding. We’re not having it until next summer, so you can’t get your dresses yet.” Dean told her.

“Why not?” Maddie asked, jutting out her lower lip in a pout.

“Because if you buy it now, you’ll grow and then it won’t fit. If you want it to touch the tops of your shoes then you have to wait until right before the wedding.” He explained. She didn’t seem happy with his answer but she was tolerating it. Cas had paced his way out of the kitchen, still talking to whoever had called, and he didn’t sound happy about it. Dean wanted to follow him and find out who had made him upset but he stayed in the kitchen with the kids. 

Sam and Jess used to let him have the girls every other weekend before the girls started school but now he got them once a month. They had school related activities they participated in as well as hobbies like Maddie’s karate. In the summer he still took them for two weeks and school was letting out in three weeks. He wanted to talk to Cas about taking the girls and driving down to see Mary, Dean and Sam’s mom. Cas had only gotten to see her at Christmas and she really liked him. When Cas returned to the kitchen he was no longer on the phone but he looked upset.

“What’s wrong?” Dean asked the question softly so the girls wouldn’t be alarmed. Cas looked up grimly and Dean felt a ripple of fear course through him. Something was wrong.

“Can we talk in private for a moment?”

Dean nodded and followed Cas up to their room, closing the door behind them.

“What happened, sweetheart?” He asked as Cas went to him, burying his face against Dean’s chest.

“That was my uncle on the phone. My grandmother is sick. They don’t think she’s going to live much longer.” 

“I’m sorry, baby. Do you want to go and see her? Where is she?” Dean rubbed his fiancé’s back gently.

“I do want to go and see her, but she’s in Russia.” Cas sighed and hugged Dean tighter. “My uncle was insulting me for not dropping everything to come and see her.”

“How bad is she?” Dean asked. He took Cas’ hand and led him over to the bed to sit down.

“Bad. She had a stroke.” 

“We’ll go see her. I just need to go get my passport renewed.” Dean got up, walking over to the closet. He went to the safe and opened it, pulling both of their passports out.

“You’ll go with me?” Cas asked, surprised. When Dean came out of the closet he looked at Cas and frowned.

“Of course, baby. You’re my family and I will always be here to support you.”

Cas shuddered as the tears he’d been fighting against began to spill. Dean went to him, sitting down and putting an arm around him. When he was able to get his emotions under control he plucked his own passport from Dean’s hand and checked it. He was running through all of the last minute plans he would have to do in order to make sure the diner was staffed and running smoothly while he was gone. His thoughts were too chaotic to think straight and it was frustrating him. Dean could sense how stressed he was.

“Don’t worry about the diner. Since you hired Benny the place is thriving even when you’re not there. He can handle a week or two of running it. Or longer if we have to stay longer.” 

Cas nodded. He trusted Benny. “I have to call him. And we need to get the matter of your passport straightened out. Can Sam help with that?”

“I’ll call him and ask. Start packing and call Benny, ok? I’ll check on the girls and call Sam.” Dean stood up and went back down to the kitchen. They had a busy next few days ahead of them and a lot to get in order before they left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Fear Number Three: Flying**

Monday evening they caught their flight. Sam had pulled some strings to get Dean’s passport fixed quickly and Cas had them both completely packed and had arranged for Charlie to come check on the house at least twice a week to water Cas’ plants and bring in mail so really all Dean had to do was tell the client who’s dining room table he was making that he had a family emergency and there would be a delay until he returned, and then before he knew it they were at the airport, ready to board their plane. Cas knew Dean didn’t like to fly but he hadn’t realized how badly it frightened him until they were on the plane. They were sitting in first class, and he was glad the flight was mostly empty. Dean was shaking terribly, his anxiety meds not having kicked in yet, and Cas was busy closing the shades on the window he was sitting next to. As the rest of the plane finished boarding, Dean began to settle down some and Cas reached over to take his hand.

“Thank you, darling. You have no idea how much it means to me that you are coming with me for this. I know how much you hate to fly.” 

Dean gave him a soft smile, looking down at their entwined hands to see the ring that sat there. He stroked his thumb over the gleaming silver and squeezed Cas’ hand a little tighter.

“How is your family going to handle this? Do they know I’m coming?” He asked.

“My brothers both know. I told my mother I was bringing you, but she got bitchy with me on the phone so I hung up on her. As for everyone else, I don’t care what the rest of the family thinks. We’re staying at a hotel near the hospital so their opinion doesn’t matter. And you won’t be the only one feeling out of your element. This is only my mother’s second trip to Russia. She prefers to stay in the states.” 

“I don’t care about their opinion of me, I only worry about you and how it affects you.” Dean told him. Cas smiled as he leaned closer, pressing soft kisses to his fiancé’s lips.

“You’re wonderful, you know that?”

Dean smiled and kissed him back. “So you tell me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moscow was crowded and getting through customs was a nightmare but once they were on the drive to the hotel Dean relaxed a bit. Cas was driving and he took the time to look at the people and the city itself.

“It’s beautiful here.” He remarked.

“It has its plus points.” Cas agreed.

“Your father was born here?”

“Yes. But my grandparents moved to the states when he was six. He didn’t come back here again until he brought my mom, about fifteen years ago. It was about ten years or so after my grandparents decided to move back here. This is my second trip. It’s nice, but I wouldn’t want to live here.” Cas said.

“Your uncle, your dad’s brother, he lives here?”

“Yes. He didn’t want to leave my grandparents, so he came back with them. He married a Russian woman and his kids were born and raised here, so my cousins are much younger than my brothers and I. I’ve not seen them since they were really small, and I’ve never met the youngest girl.” While this was a sad time, Cas was looking forward to seeing his cousins again. Heck, he was looking forward to seeing Gabe too. It had been six months since he’d last seen his brother. He still saw Balthazar regularly but Gabe was always off traveling somewhere.

They pulled up at the hotel and after getting checked in, Cas drove them to the hospital. Even Dean knew he was in the right place when he spotted Balthazar sitting in the waiting room with Cas’ mother. As soon as they walked in, Cas’ mother Naomi was getting up, coming over to hug her son.

“How was your flight, love?” She asked.

“It wasn’t bad.” He replied. She looked at Dean long and hard for a long moment before turning her attention back to her son.

“Why did you bring _him_?”

“Mother!” Balthazar gasped before Cas could even say a word.

“It’s alright, Balthazar. I know she doesn’t accept that her son is gay. That’s alright, he’s _my_ family. By the way, we’re getting married.” Dean directed his words to Balthazar who was walking over.

“Men can’t get married.” Naomi glared at Dean, crossing her arms as though that would ward off his words. Cas stuck his hand in her face so she could see his ring clearly.

“It’s a shame you still can’t accept me as I am, but you see this little piece of silver? That’s my engagement ring, because he asked and I said yes. I would _like_ for you and dad to be at my wedding, but if this is how your attitude is going to be, I’d rather you not come at all.”

“I’ll be there, Cassie. You’ll always have my full support.” Balthazar made a point of glaring right back at his mother when she turned her anger on him. “Stick it in your ass, mother. A good parent doesn’t reject their child because of who they choose to love. If you gave Dean half a chance you’d realize he’s perfect for your son, and he’s a wonderful person.” Balthazar clapped Dean on the shoulder and smiled at him. “Congratulations, and welcome to the good part of the family.”

Naomi huffed in anger and stormed out of the room leaving Cas standing there with Dean and his brother. His shoulders fell and he looked up at his fiancé with so much sadness that Dean thought his own heart might break at the sight. Balthazar pulled Cas into a hug, squeezing him tight.

“Don’t worry about her. You don’t need to worry about anyone that puts a book before their children. Gabe and I will always have your back.” He told his youngest brother.

“Thank you. I came to terms with her rejection a long time ago. Doesn’t mean it hurts any less having to face it all over again.” Cas said as he stepped back. He looked over at Dean.

“You have to understand, homosexuality is strongly frowned upon here. So we have to be careful how we display affection out in public. I’m not worried about my family as much as I am people at large. I just want to see my grandmother, say my goodbyes, bury her, and go home.” 

Dean nodded. “I completely understand that. I’m not going to be upset if we don’t kiss or hold hands when we’re out. I won’t do anything that will endanger you.”

Cas smiled. He silently thanked Sam again for allowing him the opportunity to meet Dean in the first place. 

“Is Gabe here yet?” He asked Balthazar.

“Yes, got in maybe two hours before you did. He’s in with Grandma now.”

“Then I’ll go see her too.” Cas turned to Dean.

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll sit here, update Sam and the others via Facebook.” Dean said as he moved over to the seats.

“I’ll stay with him. There’s enough drama already going on in there.” Balthazar said as he sat down next to Dean. Cas nodded. Now he had to face the rest of his family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Fear Number Four: Fear of the Dark**

Ever since Cas was little, he’d been afraid of the dark. As an adult he chided himself for allowing it to still have any sort of hold over his life, but as he walked down the hall with the flickering lights, heading towards the room where his grandmother lay dying, he couldn’t help but worry that the lights could go out at any moment, plunging the hall into darkness. Dean had assured him time and again that it was a legitimate fear, and he never made him feel foolish or immature for being afraid. He understood that Cas had been through some things growing up, what constituted as abuse and that he had spent decades trying to forget ever happened. Being told that he was a sissy when he was five and terrified that there was something under his bed, so his father had removed the light bulbs from his room and locked him in at night, telling him he needed to face his fears and stop being a baby. Or being shut out of the house the night he came out to his parents. Alone, in the pitch black of night, he’d walked three miles to the nearest pay phone to call Balthazar and beg him to come and get him. He’d been eternally grateful to his brother for doing it, and for always being there for him. The darkness thus far had never held anything good for him, and as he slipped into the dimly lit room in which his grandmother lay, he shivered. The lighting was so dim he could barely make out her form in the bed, and the shape of the people sitting and standing around the bed.

“Castiel?” 

He looked up to see his father looking at him. The man didn’t bother coming to actually greet him, so Cas didn’t bother either.

“Father.”

“Hey, Cassie.” His brother Gabe greeted him, keeping his voice low. He had the decency to walk over and pull his little brother into a hug. Cas hugged him back.

“Hey, Gabe.” He said softly. “How is she doing?”

“Same. Since the stroke she’s been fading in and out of consciousness. I got to talk to her for a few minutes earlier but I’m not sure she knew who I was. I think she thought I was Balthazar.” Gabe replied. He pulled his brother along until they were standing next to the bed.

“Babushka.” Gabe placed a hand gently on his grandmother’s shoulder. Her eyes fluttered for a moment before they finally opened. When they finally focused on her grandson’s face she smiled. Cas could see the damage the stroke had done. Only one side of her face lifted. It broke his heart to see her like this. She had always been so gentle and loving when he was a boy. When he had come out finally she had told him she loved him no matter what, and that his father and mother were idiots for pushing him away. As a result, even from across the ocean he’d maintained a better relationship with her than he had with his own parents who lived right in town. 

“Grandma, Castiel is here.” Gabe spoke to her in Russian, saying each word slowly since the stroke had affected her ability to process words, and he pulled Cas closer so she could see him. Her eyes lit up and her smile grew wider.

“Castiel, my precious boy!” Her words were slurred and he almost didn’t understand them, but he smiled back and reached out to take her hand.

“Hi, grandma.” He leaned down to kiss her forehead and she made a sound of contentment as she squeezed his hand.

“Are you happy? Is life good for you?” She asked.

“Yes, grandma, life is very good for me. Do you remember that I told you about my boyfriend?” 

Her brow furrowed and he knew she was struggling to remember.

“The American man? He works on wood?”

Cas smiled and nodded. “Yes, Dean. We’re getting married, grandma. He asked me to marry him.”

He watched as his grandmother’s eyes welled up with tears and she reached up with her good hand to pat his cheek.

“I am happy for you! He loves you very much? He must, you are a good boy. My good, good boy.”

There was a lump in his throat and he had to blink back the tears. His own mother had not accepted his relationship, but his grandmother, a woman that came from The Old Country, who had grown up in poverty and fear, she loved him for who he was and accepted him. Best of all, she was _happy_ for him.

“Yes, he loves me, and I love him. Would you like to meet him?” He asked. Her eyes widened.

“You have brought him here?”

“He wouldn’t let me travel alone. He takes good care of me.” He replied.

“And you take good care of him too. Love him and let him love you. I want to meet the man that has won my beautiful grandson’s heart.”

“I’ll go get him.” Gabe said, slipping quietly from the room. There were a few sounds of disagreement but Cas didn’t care.

Gabe returned quickly and Cas motioned for Dean to come over and stand next to him.

“Dean? I would like you to meet my grandmother, Yana Krushnic.” He turned back to his grandmother, slipping into Russian once more. “Grandma, this is Dean.” 

Dean searched his memory for the right words but found them. “Hello, Mrs. Krushnic, it is very nice to meet you.” He said in Russian. She smiled wide and reached for his hand.

“I am sorry, I seem to have forgotten my English. It is very nice to meet you, Dean. My sweet boy says you make him happy. Thank you for that.” 

Dean had caught a few words but he looked to Cas who was in full blown tears. Not wanting to force him to talk, he turned to Gabe who stood on the other side of him.

“Uh, she said she can’t speak English anymore, but that she’s happy to meet you and that Cas told her you make him happy, and she’s thanking you for that.” Gabe translated. Dean felt the start of his own tears. He smiled at the women in the bed.

“Tell her I said that Cas makes me just as happy, and thank for helping him become the wonderful man that he is today.”

Gabe translated and Yana Krushnic squeezed his hand as tight as her frail body would let her.

“I will go home soon, my mama and papa are telling me it is almost time. Be good, Castiel. Be happy.” She patted his cheek once more before slipping back into sleep. He stood for a while longer, clinging tightly to Dean’s hand in the dark room.

“I’m going to get some coffee. Would you like to join me?” Gabe whispered to Dean and his brother. Both men nodded and followed him out of the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Fear Number Five: Death Itself**

Five days later Yana Krushnic finally passed. Cas had joined his family at the hospital every single day, sitting in the darkened room, praying with his family, and watching over his grandmother. When she was gone it was like something broke inside of him. He could see his own death as though it were imminent, and the thought terrified him. He was over forty already, just starting his life with Dean, and he was torn between his fear of losing Dean and his own death. The morning of the funeral he woke up in a full blown panic attack, scaring Dean.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Dean cried as he sat up and pulled Cas into his arms.

“I can’t, I’m so scared…Dean!” Cas sobbed uncontrollably for the better part of an hour before he had exhausted himself. Dean held him, rocking him gently as he waited patiently for the man he loved to find his words once more. When Cas finally went limp in his arms he tried again to learn what had scared him so much.

“Sweetheart, what happened? Did you have a bad dream?” 

“N-no. I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared.” Cas grabbed on to the front of Dean’s shirt, his knuckles turning white.

“Of what? There’s nothing to be scared of, I promise. I won’t let anything or anyone hurt you.” Dean kissed his fiancé’s temple and smoothed his hair away from his face.

“You can’t stop death, Dean! No one can! I’m going to die, I’m going to lose you, we’re all going to die…” Cas shuddered and Dean pulled him closer. He laid down and let Cas wrap himself around his own body. 

“Honey, death may be inevitable, but life is about living, about being with one another as long as we are allowed to, and about loving the people in our lives with everything we have. I will love you with everything I have for the rest of my life, and I expect that to be for a long time to come. If we worry about the things we have no control over, we forget how to live. I’m not going anywhere any time soon, you got that? I love you.” 

Cas relaxed, sniffling as he listened to Dean talk. He was still scared, but Dean had a way of easing his worries and calming his worst fears. 

“I think that when you die I will be one of those people that dies right afterwards. I don’t want to live without you, Dean. You’re the other half of my soul.” He told him.

“I don’t think I could go on without you either, but that’s a long way off, ok? We’re going to concentrate on the here and now. We’re going to go home tomorrow, I am going to finish the table I’m working on, you’re going to finish hiring new employees for the diner so we can get the bake shop open, and next summer we’re going to get married. After that we’re going to start a family of our own. We’re going to live, Cas, because that was what your grandma wanted us to do. She wouldn’t want to see you like this. I think she would chastise me for not doing my job and keeping you happy. So, we’ll get through today, say our goodbyes, and go home so we can start our lives anew.”

Cas knew Dean was right. The fear still niggled at the back of his mind, but he didn’t want to feed it any longer. No, he wanted to do everything Dean had just said.

“We’re going to adopt a baby?” Cas tilted his head back so he could see Dean’s face.

“We can if that’s what you want. I’m leaning more towards a surrogate. I kind of want little Cas babies running around with messy hair, blue eyes, and a love for all pastries.” Dean replied, smiling. The smile Cas gifted him with was dazzling.

“Only if I get one with bright green eyes and freckles that will eat all of the pies I make.”

Dean laughed and nodded. “Deal. So come on, baby, let’s get that head start on living.”

Cas nodded in agreement. From here on out he intended to live in the moment.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I hope you liked this one. Leave a comment and a kudos, they are always very much appreciated.


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